Today I went to my brother’s house and spent some quality time. While I was there we got into a conversation about our parents and up bringing. I found out some shocking news. My Dad not only was a womanizer, but he was both verbally and physically abusive to my mother. In addition, he was an alcoholic. Now, the womanizing I knew about, but I was too young to remember the alcoholism or physical abuse.
Through the years, I have had bouts of anger towards my Mother. I felt like she was never there for me emotionally the way that I needed her. Actually I felt pretty abandoned by her. She was and still is a shell of who she used to be. Learning this news helped me remember how important it is to have compassion for my Mom. Realizing all that she went through in life, with her troubled upbringing, her abusive husband, and finally having to raise two kids on her own, brings tears to my eyes . I sympathize and empathize with her. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. Most importantly, most of us are doing the best that we possibly can at the time.
I love you Mom, I am working on forgiving you. I pray that I find the strength to let go of the past.
It’s been so long since I last wrote you…. I must admit that I feel bad about that. Anyways so much has happened since we spoke the last time. I moved to a really nice new apartment, I’m dating someone, I lost weight (although I’ve been gaining some back), I had a birthday, and work is pretty much the same. I also won a blog award that I will work on soon! YAY!
Although there have been many good happenings I have been fighting extreme anxiety. I am inclined to engage in emotional eating when I am feeling anxiety. I have been trying to ask myself, “what feelings are you trying to stuff down”…. and then feel those feelings. It’s really hard to place my finger on exactly what is the cause. I really think it is from multiple areas within my life. Work is a large cause of anxiety for me because my work is performance/deadline based, also dating is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I think the prospects of having someone new in my life so soon after the disaster relationship that I just got out of is downright frightening! Though, I am fighting it, my wounds from the past are still hurting me. Ahhh, whatdoyoudo?!?!
I am feeling better while writing this post (I wish I would have written this before those two cupcakes) For me, it is so important to acknowledge how I feel and get this negative energy out. I feel so relieved now.
I’m back blog!
Thanks for listening
I am counting down the days untill I move into my new apartment. I am a little overwhelmed with packing, cleaning, and scheduling service changes…..but I am excited to be in a new place that I love!
As I prepare for this move, I can’t help but see the symbolism of this move with my life right now. I am in a process of transition and growth. I recently got out of a tumultuous relationship that triggered this growth. The relationship really caused me to hit rock bottom emotionally. I relived a great deal of childhood trauma and pain that I truly didn’t realize existed. Really, I knew that I had some unresolved issues, but I didn’t realize the depth or magnitude of them. For example, I felt my abandonment pains in Full Effect! Being fearful, experiencing pain in a whole new level, sleepless nights, anxiety, constant crying, and anger were almost everyday occurences during the last two months of the relationship.
As I get prepared for the move, I am excited to go through my things and discard what I don’t need, what no longer suites me, and just doesn’t reflect who and where I am in life right now. I am moving into a slightly smaller space and simply cannot take everything with me. I am ready to get rid of these “things”….. cloths that I do not wear or even like, books that I have never read, shoes that hurt my feet, paper and records of transactions that I no longer need to keep. It all must go…. there is no place for it in my new apartment. I don’t have to lug it around with me anymore. They no longer serve me…. Now it is just clutter taking up precious space that could be used to place things that I do like, that have a purpose in my life, that reflect me, and that enhance my life experience.
Moving is a pain in the butt, however I am excited to get rid of all the things that I have accumulated in these last few years. The things that just don’t serve me anymore. I am excited to shed the dead weight and make space for………..whatever…..whatever it is that will enhance my life
“Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Miguel Angle Ruiz
Wow! I must admit that it is hard to not take anything personally 100% of the time. However, the realization that the actions of others are more about them and less about you does provide some comfort and relief in times of pain. In my own experience, I have spent countless hours pondering why someone lied to me, said something that was nasty, rejected me, etc….. Why did I deserve that, or why didn’t they love me / accept me more??? The reality is that it really didn’t have much to do with me at all.
I am learning that what others say and do is a reflection of their current emotional/mental/spiritual state. Pay attention and decide if it benifits you to have this person in your life.
And just cause I went horse back riding yesterday…..
“A horse is the projection of peoples’ dreams about themselves – strong, powerful, beautiful – and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence.”Pam Brown
Peace and religious harmony come about through taking action, not necessarily through making prayers and good wishes. In order to carry action out, enthusiasm is very important, and enthusiasm comes from being clear about our goal and the possibility of our fulfilling it. Here, we need educate young people about our ultimate goal, peace in the world, and how to fulfill it by cultivating inner peace within themselves.
Wow! This is POWERFUL!!!!! It is very interesting how God/Life/Universe teaches us lessons over and over again……. I have been getting very clear and strong messages like this all week. Time to listen, learn, and absorb. Cheers to Inner Peace!!!
Ok, so I am a little backed up in this department….
I have been reading two books actually….. How to be an Adult in Relationships by David Richo…. OMG this book is amazing!!!! It has been taking me more than a month to finish just because I want to let the concepts sink in. I think I will need to re read this book because it is so good and transformative! It not only addresses relationships, but it really builds a foundation to be a better person (more loving person to yourself and others ) in general….
Ok, so that leads me to the book that I am currently reading…. Buddha by Deepak Chopra. I was inspired to read Buddha because “How to be an Adult in Relationships” refers to Buddha and Eastern Philosophy / Spirituality a lot (It also refers to Western Philosophy / Spirituality). Also, I was talking to a friend about the book and the references to Eastern Philosophy and he started talking to me about Buddha and how he made his transformation or how he became enlightened rather….
Ok, so that’s when I realized that Buddha was a real person! Wow, I never knew that…. I just thought he was a happy chubby little guy, like in the figures! LOL!!!! My friend went on to tell me a little about his journey and I became intrigued……. So that’s the story behind my reading. I thought that was funny… Sidenote: I wonder why they make him look like that???? Perhaps I will find out in the book…
So far it is an interesting read….. Buddha was actually a Prince named Siddhartha who left behind all his riches, and status for a greater calling in life…..
More to come…. That’s all for now folks
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
I NEED TO PAY RENT, NEED TO PAY BILLS, NEED TO CHECK MY BANK ACCOUNTS, NEED TO GO TO WORK, WASH MY HAIR, DO THE DISHES, SAVE MONEY, PLAN MY VACATION, CALL X,Y, AND Z BACK, DATE, FOCUS ON ME, RELAX, MAIL THANK YOU LETTERS, START MY BUSINESS, BLOG, PACK, CLEAN UP, PICK CLOTHS OFF THE FLOOR, SHOWER……. OMGOD!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
This morning, I woke up feeling fidgety and filled with anxiety. My movements and thoughts are very fast today. I am very frustrated and agitated. I can barely take peaceful moments to breath and just relax.
Though I’m not sure exactly the source. …. I suppose it could be work mounting up since I traveled yesterday, but I also think it includes my personal life. Never mind that, I KNOW THE SOURCE ( ALL THE ABOVE ) I have anxiety and more importantly that I need to get it out!!!!! Blog you are calling my name. You are an outlet for me to express my feelings and get this negative energy out!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (Virtual Scream). I never knew the power of journalism or blogging rather as a source of well being until now. So glad I discovered you.
I need to get some work done and then I will be back to vent.
Thank you for patiently waiting, never judging, and allowing me to say any and everything!
Even this short post released some negative energy for me.